Why healing is never a linear process

(Trauma: Difficulty in moving on)

The battle:

My head:

As far as I have come, triggers have a habit to disrupt the healing process.....triggers that take you back to that traumatic event.

Last year, I had a major trigger event and meltdown, all whilst in the middle of lockdown. So traumatic, I cried the whole day whilst battling to do a day’s work and pretend everything was fine - it was far from fine. I don’t think there is anything like having a sick day because you are suffering a meltdown nor did I want to share my meltdown. It felt like one of the longest days of my life. The ‘event’ was supposed to be some kind of closure that I had yearned for so long, but it didn’t feel like that.....I felt soul destroyed and robbed - I had learnt over time to suppress my emotions and everything had started to hurt less, to the point I effectively conditioned myself to just deal with it, then suddenly the ‘event’ sent me jolting back to day 1.

I am talking in riddles because I haven’t penned this short post to talk about the ‘event’ nor the background, but to raise awareness of what healing actually feels like in reality. As far as I have come and you may come years after a traumatic event, it is not a linear process. I made a promise to myself so many times that I would unpick and try and mend the scar when the time is right ( by unpick the scar, I mean therapy) and I did try many times, but with hopeless referrals coupled along with my I will just get on with life mentality, means I haven’t yet unpicked and mended the scar.

You can’t push yourself to do anything that you are not ready to face but I have made a promise to myself this year, to build up my mental resilience/try and heal by embarking on a mindful journey.

There is no universal approach to healing and you have to explore what works for you.

The purpose of this post was threefold; firstly, it’s like written therapy to pen my thoughts; secondly, to try and make others feel better about negative experiences in their life and not beat themselves down because they are not ‘over it’ and triggered; lastly, I hope it may open the conversation for people to be more comfortable to voice/share when they are not ok.

Please share this post if you think the message of the post will help someone.

With love X